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Temperamentally Yours

Following H's four-year check-up yesterday where I had a tearful moment after H spent the better half of the time I was trying to converse with the doctor enamoured with the crinkling sound of the exam table paper, I dusted off my copy of Temperament Tools: Working With Your Child's Inborn Traits.

Yes, I cried at the doctor's office. I cried because I'm tired of looking like she who cannot control her offspring. I cried because I'm terrified that my kid who couldn't sit still for three seconds during the appointment will be labeled as ADHD, ODD, ADD or whatever other thing I don't think he is. Lastly, I cried because laughing just didn't fit the bill. (see intensity of emotions below, maybe that's why we butt heads) Never fear, H didn't even notice because he was too busy with his symphony o' scratchy noises on the exam table.

I'm not saying I broke down, but the voice got quivery and my eyes welled with tears. I love our pediatrician, and he was very reassuring that he wasn't seeing anything that was concerning; H was behaving like a four-year old boy in a new situation and I was correcting him appropriately. Given that H is adapting so well to preschool and listening well there, that is a more important indicator than how they act in a 30 minute appointment. A fact that my rational self knows, but my perfect parenting self does not. He asked at that point why I was being so hard on myself. I explained then what has been dawning on me more and more; I don't have anything to 'show' for my 'work' anymore except how my kids turn out. He said "Well, then you're getting an A! H is great He's fine."

Emotional crisis averted, I asked him to check H's foreskin because I didn't think it had retracted yet, and it's not exactly easy to check at home. Yes, I'm going there, and you'll see why. Sure enough, still stubbornly in place. He said that he wasn't concerned, but that if it wasn't retracted by the time he was around 8, but definintely by puberty, that I could go see a urologist. I dumbly asked "And what will they do?" Yep, you guessed it, a circumcision.

I just let my head drop back. "Awesome, we chose not to do it when he was an infant because we didn't want to do something that would cause unnecessary pain, and now he might have to do it when he's eight?!" Doctor: "There you go being hard on yourself again! You made a good decision when he was born, and it's most likely that this will resolve itself. It's not medically necessary at birth."

Sweet. If you want your son to stop liking you, I've got an idea, make a decision for him at birth that causes him to have penis surgery when he's about to enter puberty! Here I thought baptizing our infants into the Catholic faith would cause controversy later. Oh no, no, we'll go ahead and one up that with pain in the here and now. But enough about that.

Back to Temperament Tools. Tired of constantly going to bed at night thinking of what I should have done better, questioning why I said that and promising that tomorrow would be a better day where I didn't let my four year-old wind me up only to repeat said routine, I realized that this just wasn't a battle of the wills I was winning.

So I got a pen this time, instead of just trying to mentally picture my scores as I went and I began marking the x's where both H and Charlie fall on the temperament traits of Activity, Adaptability, Approach to New Things, Frustration Reaction, Intensity of Emotions, Mood, Regularity and Sensitivity.

When I reached the end, I read the brief descriptions of the behaviors that go with certain 'temperament clusters' and was having a hard time finding which of the last three to pick. Then I saw "This high-energy child has many of the behaviors of the previous three. If you are therefore having trouble deciding which chapter to pick, turn first to page 117." Okay...turning pages, turning pages...then (because all the temperament examples are named after animals) 'The Bear Cub Combo";

Imagine the darting speed of a bird combined with the intesity of a prowling tiger and the powerful determination of a whale. When the temperaments of BeiLing Bluebird, Tiganda Tiger and Walocka Whale all combine in one small body, the result is the Olympic Challenge of Parenting.

You don't say!

The book then moves on to talk about learning styles, parenting tips and common behavioral issues. I have to say, as I was reading the three chapters of the animals that combine to make the temperament most like H's, the more disturbing or truly hard characteristics did not describe him. It's amazing how arming yourself with more information can suddenly turn "What the hell?! How am I this horrible a parent, and where did this ferral child come from?!" into "Oh, H isn't anywhere near that bad!" It's all relative, folks.

Learning about temperament is important to me, because I feel like the one thing I'm always so concerned about is smothering his spirit. Providing examples of effective discipline for each temperament-style, it's certainly not a book that just wants parents to let their children be free as a bird, but instead to incorporate all personalities and temperaments into a harmonious family, and not letting the intensity of one child, or your fear of their reaction to something rule the roost.

J had commented a couple times how H and I just wind each other up. Sure enough (in the Tiganda Tiger example); Intensity fuels intensity. When Mom yells, "Stop that!" or, "Be quiet!" or spanks Tiganda for hitting another child, Tiganda's intensity rises even higher. Which makes the kiddo less flexible, which makes mama mad, and the circle of strife continues.

Aparrently remaining calm will allow you to take control of the situation more effectively than flapping your arms around as you direct, demand and shout in loud tones. Oh, and probably having a non-neurotic parent helps out as well. Who knew?

Food For Thought

When J and I made the decision that I'd stay at home with the kids, well it was just H when we made that decision, for the duration of his residency I had delusions of lazy days, 1950's home-maker skills that I thought may have just been laying dormant and a craft each afternoon. It didn't take long for my Betty Crocker bubble to burst, but it also didn't take long for H and I to find a rhythm to our days that allowed me to start enjoying the room in the home that had long been foreign to me...the kitchen.

Prior to our move East, J did most of the cooking because he enjoyed it, and I just really didn't have the desire to make a meal at the end of the day. My job was emotionally exhausting and often required many, many hours of overtime in order to get a decent night's rest, knowing you'd done what you could to ensure safety that day....it didn't leave room for much more than a vacant stare at the wall for about 20 minutes when I first got home.

There were days that I'd get off at 6pm, J was still on a rotation somewhere, and since the daycare was just across the street I'd wait until 6:30 (which was the latest I could pick H up) so that I'd have that half-hour to just be before I had to be mama and wife.

Flash forward to now when I get excited about the new recipes I'm going to try, bread I've just baked and jam I made and we've come a long way, baby. Add in an overall increased awareness of health-conscious meals and my impact on my kids' future eating habits, and I've already started planning my dream kitchen.

One thing I've noticed is that I have to be doubly careful in my planning now that I've started buying more organic produce, especially those on the Dirty Dozen list. For us, cost is absolutely a factor in our grocery shopping, so we won't be going to Whole Paycheck anytime soon; I could get lost in there for hours and spend, well, our whole paycheck. There are a lot of things for the budget-minded that don't need to be organic; bananas, avocados, onions and corn to name a few as they don't contain pesticide residue, generally. But an example of a group we've chosen to shell out for is wild caught fish and sea-food (think salmon that is a natural shade of pink ;)).

However, to get back on point, the produce that is organic I've found to be ready to go within the first few days of purchase. So plan your work and work your plan, or you've doubly 'wasted' money when you have to throw out the bad produce that you spent your hard-earned schuckles on.

That said, I've found so many farmer's markets in our area as well as a local grocery chain that carries a lot of locally grown produce. While I try to do a big shop for staples at BJ's or Price Chopper, I do make a weekly run for produce to Roche Bros, because they just have beautiful produce and generally have great prices. Shopping the exterior of the store, in general is what you should aim for. Aside from flour and baking staples, the exterior rim of the store is where you'll find that you should be spending the bulk of your grocery dollars; dairy, meat, seafood, limited bakery and produce. The aisles are full of processed foods and general traps that are so easy to fall in, especially if you've got a sweet tooth like me, or are hungry when you shop.

A lot of farmer's markets are now accepting food stamps and EBT cards, which I think is just fabulous. The Central Community Branch YMCA in Worcester holds a weekly market on Saturdays from June to October and they DOUBLE food stamp values.

If we continue to have healthful options that stretch food dollars that are already scarce, we could be making the small steps it will take to curb child-hood obesity. Now, if I could just get H to see that Hot Dogs and Chicken Nuggets are not an actual food group...and Ketchup does not count as his veggie for the day.

*The photo is of Spicy Sweet Potato Soup using a dollop of plain non-fat yogurt in the place of sour cream...such a great fall recipe! Thanks Portlandia>

I reviewed Baby Einstein's New World Animal Adventure DVD on Knitty Reviews today...come check it out!

Go Nuts! Or Not.

Today was H's first day of pre-school. Yep, after much back and forth, a particularly rough week was followed by the fortuitous placement of a poster advertising openings at the YMCA pre-school.

The fact that uber-frugal J didn't bat an eyelash when I told him about it, and that I'd like to send H asap means that everyone had begun to notice my mounting frustration with my lack of ability to sufficiently entertain/busy the kiddos; even though I felt like I was running myself ragged from Farmland to Seashore and back again to do so.

After visiting the school and paying the insanely low registration fee of $25, my next stop was at the pediatrician's office to sweet talk the receptionist into giving me written proof, on the spot, that H doesn't have rabies, and won't give them to any of the other kids.

As I went through the packet from the school, I realized that some of H's staples were nixed from the list of foods that could be sent with his lunches, foremost being peanut butter and peanut products. Some of the others surprised me...no raw carrots, even if they're cut up. No grapes that haven't been quartered. Really? He's been eating whole grapes for over two years now.

No popcorn...there goes the snack bag of Smartfood that would be a treat for him. Hmmm...the list was getting shorter. I know! Pretzels! Whenever he sees other kids that have pretzels, he always mooches some...nope, guess that one's a no-no as well according to new federal regulations regarding choking hazard food items in schools.

About to face defeat, I remembered that my friend who has a child with multiple allergies talked about sunbutter (made from sunflower seeds and actually quite tasty), so I put it on my list. Did you know that most grocery stores charge around ten dollars for a jar of sun or almond butter? Thank God for Trader Joe's, where it can be yours for the low, low price of $3.99 (which I snapped up before picking him up today, because why would I plan ahead and buy it before school started?)

So, after I felt like I had all the rules, regulations and expectations down pat, I packed H's lunch last night. As J was drifting off last night, I casually mentioned that I was buying sun butter and he was not to eat it, because it was just for school lunches. "What's sun butter?" was the response. I explained the peanut-free facility concept and his eyes snapped open. I could feel the snide remarks coming...welcome to parenting in the Third Millennium, J.*

*I know, I know...we'd feel a whole lot differently about this if our children weren't hearty German/Swedish kids who don't seem to be negatively affected by any food groups other than too many blueberries (a whole other post).