Saturday, June 13, 2009

One Is A Lonely Number

During J's vacation, we each picked days that the other would have the kids all. day. long. When he started to tell me what he was planning with them during 'my' day, I had to politely tell him that I didn't really care what they did...so long as I wasn't involved in it.

I got my hair cut. Wandered around the product aisles at Target trying to find my next cheapo substitute for my high-priced hair schtuff. Then tried to think of the best possible place to go to lunch if all I had to take care of was myself. Sitting there sluping my Tom Ka Kai and awaiting my order of Pad Thai (sans sprouts, and with tofu only) it hit me...

By then, I'd been on my own for several hours, and it was nice not to have to worry about bathroom breaks, bottles and diaper changes. I have to admit, though, I thought it would have been kind of nice to have J there to share lunch with.

After being at home full-time with one, and then two kids, time to myself has been something that I crave. What?! You mean I can go to the bathroom and not have a three year-old crash in the door to debate with me whether or not I have a penis?! Unheard of! But I realized today that having time without kids and wanting time alone with your spouse are two different things. Sure we have fairly regular date nights, but that's not the same as a block of time together.

On the flip-side this staycation has been the best two weeks, because it's really shown me the light at the end of the tunnel. No he won't have two weeks at a time to spend with us once he gets a 'real' job (he hates it when I use that term because his hours right now are certainly not pretend), but he will have more than a few hours with us here and there.

True Confession: Being the wife of a resident is a lonely business, especially when it's spent an entire continent away from everything you know. I keep myself busy enough that I don't have the time to really stop and think about it, but at the end of the day with a bowl of wine in your hands and exhaustion seeping in your bones it's as SJP would say..."The loneliness is palpable." (My friend Maggie, a fellow resident wife, at A Slice of Wife nailed it when she subtitled her blog "Diary of a Functionally Single Parent")

I divulge all of the above because I've been going back and forth on accompanying J for part of his Hawaii rotation (without the kids) in the Fall. When H was little, he was in daycare full-time, so I didn't have the same feelings of hesistation in leaving him behind as I'm having with Charlie. Honestly, and I realize that this is verging on OCD, but I am having a hard time not seeing myself crash and burn over the Pacific and leaving my kids orphans...or at least without their mother.

After my solo lunch when I realized that what I crave is not only time alone, but time alone with my husband, my fate is sealed. I will be heading to Oahu in November (...seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! Who wouldn't want to leave New England as winter sets in?!) for some quality, alone-together time. Because two, especially two in paradise, is not a lonely number.
But ahhh...what do I know? Oh, did I mention that I just got home from a wine tasting party where I consumed about a bottle of wine by myself? That would shed a whole new light on my poetic waxing.

1 comment:

Maggie said...

The time with J in Hawaii will be fabulous. You NEED that time alone with your spouse. And to have a block of it AND be in Hawaii...what a treat. (Though I completely understand the feelings of leaving the 2 little ones.)

Oh, and F thought of the subtitle of my blog. It's nice to have husbands who understand what we are going through!