Yesterday, I ventured out to our local luxury mall (you know, has all the stores that are fun to look in and think...someday...) so that H could have some good (free) play time in their gorgeous new play center while J slept off his night shift. I loaded the double stroller, both kids and a full diaper bag to find at the end that I had a trickle of sweat dripping down my face. Looking outside from the comfort of my central a/c, it was foggy and overcast. Silly me, I had forgotten that in Massachusetts that doesn't mean the same thing that it does in Portland, because it was already in the mid-seventies...'Hello Mr. Humidity, it's so nice to see you again!'
While I was walking from our lunch at California Pizza Kitchen, I decided to take a lap of the mall before heading to the elevator (no, I'm not lazy, but there's no other way to get a double stroller to the next level) when I was accosted by Mr. Kiosk. He started out simply by handing me a foil packet sampler of lotion. Easy enough. I smiled nicely and attempted to keep walking. Argh...I was sucked into the vortex. Why did my parents have to raise me to be one of those people who can't just snub someone once they've made eye contact and start a conversation with you?!
After noticing my snaggly nails and dry cuticles, he made the astute assertion that I 'keep my nails natural.' I told him that I'd recently taken off my acrylics; although I love the way they look, they take too much time and money as I have to go in between fills to get them filed since I like them really short. Prenatal vitamins + faux nails = too much time and money to maintain for something that any SATC character would scoff at anyway. ("I only saw her shoes and her nails...both acrylic.")
Back to Mr. Kiosk. He asked if he could demonstrate something on one of my nails, and I grudgingly let him take my hand and start using one of those square nail files that they use in the salon with a foam center and a different surface on each side. As he was working with the vigor of a meth addict who cleans the floor with a toothbrush, he explained in his thick accent the purpose of each side, how often I would need to do it, and for what duration. As the name of the company was Seacret, and one of their primary products was dry Dead Sea salt, I think that he felt it very important to let me know that he was from Israel; perhaps lending credo that the product he was hocking really was the real McCoy?
When he was done, he had me close my eyes before revealing a nail that he proclaimed would astound me with its sheen. Okay, I was ready for that natural nail sheen that we've all seen when we get our nails buffed. What I wasn't prepared for was that it looked as if I had two coats of clear nail polish on my nail, an effect that he assured me would last a full two weeks. He soaked a cotton ball in a liquid, asked me to smell-onize it and was happy that I knew it was acetone. He asked if I thought it would take the sheen from my nail, and I replied dryly that I was assuming not, or else he wouldn't use it as an example.
I then asked the important question; How much? The nail care kit was 'only' $69.95, but carries a one year guarantee and the cuticle oil is re-fillable for that period of time. I politely declined. He then let me in on the seacret that his supervisor had approved for him to give a free gift to a 'very special customer'...did I mention that he had an eye goober and looked like he hadn't brushed along the gum line in about a year?
He had me hold the file, which he said that I could purchase for only $45, and then I'd get the rest of the kit for free! Wow! I smiled and again politely declined while wanting to let him in on a seacret of my own. While I may have slogged through two years of Deutch in college to avoid taking the ONE math class that would have given me a BS instead of a BA, I am not a math retard. If the entire kit costs $70, you are not doing me any favors, or losing any profit if I pay $45 for a file (which I found on Amazon, brand new, for $4 later that night.) So long Sucka!*
Needless to say, I moved fast enough to shame any mall walker when I spotted the 'straightening iron' kiosk. While it's fine to have only one shiny nail, Mr Humidity had not been kind to my coif and the last thing I need is to look like Cruella De Ville because I couldn't buy the darn thing.
*However, my nail that was buffed is still super shiny today, so I'm using my customer credit on amazon to snatch up that nail file and cuticle oil...if you're interested you can find it here, and I'm actually recommending it...just not at the mall kiosk price.